Kaylin Sevilla-Lopez

22 YEARS OLD, DAUGHTER OF BOLIVIA.

Growing Up 

I have a very small family, just me, my mom, my grandma, and a couple of uncles. My grandma is the one who brought my mom and me to the United States. Growing up, I felt a little lonely. We were in Cochabamba, Bolivia, until I was 10. My mom was a single mom, so when we all came here, it was a huge transition. We didn’t know the language or the culture when we came to Queens; it was just a lot. 

My mom had me when she was 20, and it felt like I had to take care of her. I was always described as the well-behaved, good kid who gets good grades. They didn’t have to worry about me. I felt like I had to take care of everyone else when we came to the U.S., rather than anybody taking care of me. I was mostly on my own growing up and had to figure things out on my own. My family only had my mom and my grandparents. They were always tough on me, just to get me ready for the adult world.

My mom went to college and medical school back in Bolivia. She’s a certified doctor back there, but due to accreditation issues coming here, she’s not able to practice medicine like that. She’s a medical assistant now. My mom is my inspiration for going into the medical field. I remember her taking me during her residency to the hospitals and clinics in Bolivia because she didn’t have a babysitter. I saw firsthand how she would speak to the patients and how she would calm them down.

School and Sisterhood

I’m a psychology student at Hunter College with a minor in Women & Gender Studies, and I really want to get my M.D./Ph. D. In my sophomore year of college, I started volunteering at this research lab. My mentor there guided me through the world of research, is the one that opened my eyes to it. I did a research internship at the University of Rochester, which was just a lot of exposure, and that’s where I learned to love the research aspect of medicine. I’m not only a full-time student, but I also do part-time work as a lab technician at a research lab, and volunteer work at a mixed martial arts school. 

I also take care of my 2-year-old sister. I’m her second parent. We have the same mom, but different dads. Her dad is still around, but he doesn’t take the responsibilities that a father should. So I step up instead. If there’s an issue at her daycare, if they can’t reach my mom or my grandparents, they’ll call me. As of recently, they’ve just been calling me first. 

I try to be there as much as I can with the busy schedule I have. If anything, it’s more mentally demanding than physically demanding. Her daycare expects me to fix any issues regarding my sister. If she needs diapers, food for school, or signing notices, everything just revolves around me, and it’s difficult because I’m not always able to succeed in what needs to be done for her.

Sometimes I get scolded by my family, ‘You’re the big sister. You should be handling this. We can’t handle this, so you have to.’ Especially since there’s a language barrier with my grandparents and my mom, too. Unfortunately, my grandparents started to forget English. In their eyes, if I don’t find a way to succeed or be of service to them, then I’m just a failure, not only as a big sister but as the oldest daughter. They have high expectations. 

I know she’s still very young, but I know as a psych major that younger siblings tend to have more love and support than the oldest sibling doesn’t get. I’m starting to see it now, even though she’s a toddler.

My family feels like, with the major I chose, I’m wasting my time. They think, ‘You’re majoring in psychology, but you don’t want to be a psychologist or psychiatrist, so why are you wasting your time with it?’ In terms of getting an M.D., they think that I don’t have the stomach for it. They think I’m not a people person. With research, they’re proud, they’re happy that I’m loving research. I know they secretly hope that I realize that I want to be a scientist rather than a doctor. As much as I’ve heard them hear those things, they don’t really know me and my dreams.

I started talking with close friends, and they reminded me that, at the end of the day, she’s my sister and not my daughter. I believe it has come to a point that they pressure us, eldest daughters, with this big responsibility, so that it seems like it’s our own child. As much as I love my mom and sister, and respect my family, I have to remind myself that she’s not my daughter, she’s my sister. I feel so guilty, though. I try to remind myself I’m doing the best that I can, and I have to live my own life. I’m in school, and I’m working two jobs to help me reach my career goal. I am doing the best that I can to be there for my sister, while also not losing track of what’s important in my career.

Toward a Career in Medicine

I still am on the journey of finding a reason why I want to be a doctor. I don’t want to say I want to help people or heal people because you can help people and heal people in many different ways. Growing up in a Latino household, I was always told I had to be a lawyer or an engineer. They’ll glorify you if you become a doctor– because if you’re not a doctor, ‘no sirves, para nada.’

I feel like what I want to do, overall, is make a good impact on people’s lives and give them some form of hope. I tend to see the brightest or the ‘glitter side’ of everything, like glitter and rainbows. Well, maybe I just want to give them a sense of hope and have a good impact on people’s lives. 

I wasn’t handed anything, and everything that I have achieved so far in my short adult life, I’ve gotten it on my own. I didn’t have mom help me out or grandma help me out because, unfortunately, being first-gen, they can’t really help me out. I was lucky enough to get almost all my financial aid to cover tuition. Thank God for that. But I feel like medical school is going to be a different situation. I wouldn’t know how I’m going to handle that. Maybe take a gap year or two to work full-time as a medical assistant. I’ll start saving up money then. I know I’m gonna have to take out loans. 

The best guidance that I’ve gotten was from another first-gen student when I first got accepted to college. They told me to go to the college that is going to help me out the most, financially. A lot of first-gen students want to shoot for Harvard, Yale, and all those big private universities. My friend told me, if you are seeking higher education, like grad school, med school, whatever it is, go to a school that’s gonna help you financially rather than break you financially. I feel like my sister will have a bigger advantage, which I’m happy about, but at the same time, I hope she learns to earn everything on her own, too.

Being Alone

Sometimes when it feels like I can’t talk to anybody about it. I focus on my hobby. I practice mixed martial arts. I focus on that, on my technique, and improving, or just helping others through the sport. That’s the best way that I can deal. 

I usually just close myself in my room and watch movies on my own. I’m always surrounded by people, whether it’s at home, school, or work. I like my time alone just to gather myself and be in my own space, also to reflect on whatever happened during the day.

I feel like a lot of older daughters do that: We thrive when we’re alone in our rooms. We need space from everyone and everything to do our own thing, where we’re not always watched or pressured to be this perfect, mature young woman that everybody expects us to be. 

I wish I could tell that 10-year-old girl who came from Bolivia that, when you feel like things are getting rough, do not get stuck on it. It’s okay to ask for help. You’re gonna get through it, and you’re gonna figure it out. 

I’ve gone through a rough couple of years, falling so deep down that I broke into a million pieces, and I would just tell her, ‘It’s gonna happen.’ It’s a part of life, but you have to learn to get up and move forward. Even if nobody understands, take as long as you want. Even if they think you’re crazy, wasting your time, or that you don’t know what you’re doing. They don’t need to understand that it’s your life and it’s you who needs to know who’s doing that work. Nobody else is going to understand outside of you. But if you see the progress, you see that you’re moving forward, even though other people think you’re still in the same place. Moving forward is what matters.

This story has been edited and condensed from an interview.